Friday, October 3, 2008

Frugal Living is Possible by Thumper

1. Sell your kids. Go on, you know that someone out there wants them and will pay good money for them, especially for the little 'uns. I'm talking 6-figure sums at least, here. Imagine what you could do with that amount of money. Pay off credit cards? Check. Repay mortgage in full? Check. Repay start-up business loan for that 'great' idea you had that no one - not even your mother - was interested in? Check. Don't let your husband/wife talk you out of it just because they are attached to/fond of said children. That's just being soft and they need to man up.
2. Quit wearing underwear. I don't care how much value you get with a pack of '5 pairs for £10 Marks & Spencer undies'. There's more value in spending nothing in order to wear nothing. And you can't buy the sort of excitement-tinged-with-fear you get from going commando while wearing a skirt in a drafty tube station. You know what I'm talking about. Think it's exciting now when your skirt gets blown over your head by a draft of air from the approaching train? Get some fantastic value and try it with no pants on. Priceless.
3. Sell your husband's mint collection of Star Wars figurines. Don't try and tell me that you've never sneaked a crafty look just for interests' sake at the prices those things sell for on ebay. It's criminal to keep a small fortune stashed in the bottom of the closet because he's all sentimental about them and other such feeble-minded nonsense. Especially when that money could be put to such better use by paying the mortgage buying the entire Marc Jacobs new season collection.
4. Ditch your ideals and go and work for Evil Corporation. You've thought about it, you know you have. Yes it means those under-privileged kids you currently work with might be worse off. Yes it means your soul will be sucked dry within the year and you'll need a cocktail of anti-anxiety meds just to get out of bed in the morning. And sure, you'll probably forget what your kids look like, but that's what nannies are for. You'll be rich and debt-free! And you'll never have to sit in a staff meeting with a bunch of greasy-haired hippies wondering why no-one has taken notice of your 'Deodorant Every Day Makes a Happy Workplace' memo and musing over the killing you could make selling cut-price Birkenstocks out of the boot of your car.
5. Give up grooming. It's a waste of money and you know it. Eyebrow plucking, hair colouring, bikini waxing - who needs it? Your husband will love you just as much if you have underarm hair down to your hips and hairier legs than he does. It's all in your head that you need to look like Kate Moss on those irritating Rimmel ads – you don't need to get the London look. It's just a bunch of commercial rubbish that's been drilled into your head by a bunch of Big Fat Bald men who want you to spend £120 on a 20ml pot of eye cream. You'll save loads of cash, and be honest - you've always wondered how liberating it would feel to wear elastic-waisted trousers to work once you've quit the gym and removed all the mirrors from your house. And hey, if you want to go really fancy, instead of cutting the toes out of your trainers because your toenails are too long and tough to cut after months of neglect, get yourself some Birkenstocks. Open-toed. Genius. See? Everyone's a winner.
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